- A group of neighborhood children playing tag in the street;
- A family of five sitting down to dinner;
- A passionate discussion between young people around a campfire;
- A crowded community dance.
They were all once common in American life, but are increasingly rare. I find it very ironic that as the world has gotten smaller, and tools designed to connect us, from the telegraph to the Internet, have progressively grown to define our global, technology-oriented culture, individuals have become more isolated from one another. I started thinking about this when I discovered a social network web site dedicated to bringing like-minded people together.
My family structure is atypical. There is a thirteen year span between my third and fourth children, and then a fifth follows another, two years behind. So I have two sets of kids – three young adults and two toddlers. Finding other women with whom I can relate in my unique circumstance is difficult. So, as a way to meet new friends, I started an online group for moms in my area who have similar family compositions.
Poking around this group web site, I started to find highly segmented, targeted groups of people: Wiccan homeschoolers of Asian descent, Miniature Schnauzer-loving Conservative Democrats, the six-fingered senior citizen group, and of course mine, the moms-over-40-with-huge-age-gaps-between-children group. While browsing these groups, a sudden feeling of loss came over me. Although on the one hand it is great that we have services to help us find a community in which we can belong, especially when our individualist culture has destroyed the traditional neighborhood and our new found moral relativism has dismantled the cultural homogeny of an earlier time, there is on the other hand a problematic consequence. We are fostering a society of isolated individuals who circulate in evermore microcosmic groups and more narrow and superficial relationships, creating cultural isolation that in some respects narrows to the point of narcissism.
In the normal course of the day, except in cases of extreme crisis like national disaster, or large scale threat, we focus almost exclusively on ourselves. We drive as if the road was our private domain. We walk down city streets with earbuds in our ears, our eyes glazed over by inner thoughts generated by the musical theme in our heads. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve turned around in a store in response to someone addressing me, only to find that they were talking into a cell phone ear device, having a very private conversation in a very public place. Our fellow man has become window dressing, just another product on the shelf, the potted plant on the sidewalk.
We see evidence of our detachment in the erosion of common courtesy in public. Men spit, anywhere, anytime. Middle-aged men fail to offer seats to the elderly on subways and commuter trains. Adults swear in front of young children. People talk through movies in the theatre, or sing along loudly at a $100 concert by their favorite performer, totally unaware that those sitting next to them paid to enjoy the performer, not the off-key fan. And why not? Who are you to tell me what to do? I have a right to this and that. You see, it is all related to our highly customized pursuit of our own interests, goals and desires in disregard of those who really don’t exist except as window dressing. This is not a new complaint, of course. Big cities have had this problem for as long as there were big cities. But this attitude can now be found in all corners of America – even the smallest of towns. I live in a town of about 30,000 and witness this behavior daily.
The customized, personalized lifestyle counteracts the positive impact of diversity – the ability or at least the opportunity to practice relating with others, particularly those who have different perspectives. I don’t have to deal with people with whom I disagree, do not understand or do not like. I do not have to consider ideas with which I am uncomfortable. I do not have to be made to feel that I am wrong, or misinformed. I have personalized everything in my life – my entertainment, my politics, my education, my relationships and even my religion. Everything and everyone that does not fit my mold is expendable. The result is that our nation is increasingly fractured not just politically, as has been the most recent charge, but socially as well.
The fracturing of our society is certainly not a new phenomenon. We have always struggled with divisions based on race, ethnicity and social status. But our niches are growing more myopic and our personal environments more controlled. Consequently, we can cut ourselves off from general society far more effectively than in the past.
So, what does any of this have to do with homeschooling? Well, the fractured society impacts homeschoolers even more than the general public because although they are better socialized than the average traditionally schooled child, their parents must work harder to create peer opportunities for them. As I mentioned in a previous blog, many communities, particularly small towns, revolve around the public school system and homeschoolers are often observing from the sidelines. Because of their unique lifestyles, they must form community around homeschool co-ops, religious institutions, or online groups. These methods of building community tend to create far narrower homogeny than the neighborhoods of yesteryear. I know that many home educators would argue that their children are more exposed to cultural diversity because they have the ability to travel and focus more thoroughly on social and cultural topics. But it isn’t cultural diversity that we are losing. We are losing something much deeper. We are losing the the cultural cohesion and diversity in relationships that allows us to trust one another and rationally weigh opposing ideas. Instead of healthy debate, instead of learning from one another, we hold the higher ideal of leaving well enough alone, of not offending each other with our differences of opinion. So we remain quietly divided. Consequently, it is more difficult for us to sustain the Democratic Republic that gave rise to diversity in the first place. As a fractured nation, fewer citizens make decisions based on the general good, or the good of the nation. Too many focus on the needs and desires of particular niche groups, or of our own very individual needs and desires.
I have seen this particularly in homeschool coops and forums that try to form community around a philosophy, educational style or religion. Like everyone else, my family sees the benefit of forming relationships and fostering a sense of belonging with like-minded people. But that further isolates us into subcultures of a subculture. In combination with the many isolating lifestyle choices our culture already pushes on us – like Facebook, customized playlists and network gaming, the pervasive concept of relativism which fits very nicely in an individualistic philosophy, and the necessary technological resources that facilitate home education like online courses and computer based instruction, homeschooling reduces our natural opportunities for balance.
Children who are brought up on highly customized and personalized education, individualized single-user entertainment and controlled environments may suffer a number of unintended consequences - narcissism, narrow-mindedness, detachment, rigidity, and a tendency toward tribalism - if our tendencies toward isolation are not actively resisted. There are steps that we can take to counter these potential consequences.
1. Limit your family’s participation in online social networks and go meet real people.
While it seems that social networks allow us to remain more connected to those we care about, it in fact reduces relationships to meaningless superficiality with meaningless banter, self-focused updates, and a misleading notion that we are "keeping in touch". Instead of replacing real friendship with a user-interface, use the interface to schedule real time to be physically present with those you care about. Teens are especially taken in with the perception that they are present to their friends when they interact over social networks. Recent studies, however, are documenting negative psychology consequences to the use of social networks among young people.
2. Actively engage your neighbors in sit down dinners, and small scale entertaining in the home.
I know how busy you are! I've been unsuccessful in organizing a neighborhood Christmas party for the past ten years! But there are ways we can multiply the benefit of entertaining at home by planning events that serve multiple purposes. For example, several years ago, in an attempt to get to know some of my parishioners from church while also providing an opportunity for my daughter to get more practice in piano performance, I scheduled an Arts Party. Everyone was encouraged to bring a poem, song, speech, play, or other talent to share with the rest of the guests. It was a great time that my guests still talk about today.3. Participate in community events through the library, local YMCA, food bank, Boys and Girls Club, Senior Center or other community organization.
Volunteering provides wonderful opportunities for young people to gain work experience, and give to the community. But it also exposes them to a variety of lifestyles, circumstances and people.
4. Commit to participating in a community-oriented charitable cause at least once a year.
Every community has some kind of annual charitable or cultural event - even the smallest of towns. Whether it is a concert series, a cancer run, a community drama troupe, a Miracle League - volunteers are needed everywhere, and charitable causes are great ways to branch out and make connections.
5. Seek out homeschool organizations, coops, and programs with diverse but open memberships.
Rather than looking for homeschool groups that limit membership to certain philosophies, religious perspectives or learning styles, find diverse groups in which you can share your beliefs, perspectives and interests openly. Aside from situations you find particularly harmful to your children's well-being, diversity in relationships is healthy.Remember that the health of our communities affects the health of our regions, states and ultimately our nation. The health of our nation affects the welfare of every individual who resides here. As homeschoolers we can have a positive impact locally and across the continent.
Image: Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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